Note to the reader: I just got back from Top Golf. It’s late. I have no new nouns today. Here are some thoughts instead. If you can call them that.

Completely official rules changes coming to the 2024 Olympic Games.

On a scale from shotput to Simone Biles, I’d give most Olympic sports a 4.

It’s not that they totally suck, or aren’t fun to watch.

It just feels like we are getting an eensy teensy weensy bit better every 4 years at the same thing. Optimizing that last 0.01%. Approaching the asymptote.

It’s time to shake things up.

Can Kelly Clarkson do a backflip?

There is nothing cooler than seeing Simone Biles do a batshit crazy flippy thing. It lights up the little reptilian part of my brain that is impressed by the clear alpha in the room.

Girl can GET IT.

But no matter how cool it is, the same thing always happens.

1. One person clearly does the cooler thing.

2. We all make comments from our couches about who was better (without any real knowledge about how the judging works).

3. We all yell “WHAT??!” when the boring person gets the most points.

4. We start googling “how does gymnastics scoring work”

5. We get distracted by Instagram and forget why we picked up the phone in the first place.

6. Repeat

I DECREE the following rules changes:

Olympic gymnastics scores will now be tabulated like Kelly Clarkson’s American Idol.

The Olympian does cool stuff. I don’t even care if it’s pure “gymnastics”. Bring props. Whatever.

The people call it their vote.

Medals.

(note to self: the disproportionate population size in India and China may make this a bad plan for Simone/America.)

(second note to self: write a Simone Biles/Simon Cowell joke)

Mike-o Phelp-o

Swimming is track but slower, harder to watch and wet.

The pool area is all echoey.

Michael Phelps already did it all.

Time for something new.

I DECREE the following rules changes:

Swimming will no longer be measured as time/laps, but by the fastest time to catch five middle schoolers in an aggressive game of marco polo.

Other competing Olympians are allowed to also be in the pool.

Floaties and beers are also allowed.

In honor of the greatest swimmer of our generation, Michael Phelps, an overly aggressive country club lifeguard will occasionally drug-test competitors and call for adult swim.

1 2 3 4 I declare THE CHAIR

As much as I like to see a couple of high school bullies in Spanx grope each other, it’s time to sideline wrestling. WTF is cauliflower ear anyway?

Besides, there are so many other kinds of wrestling.

At the very least, we should mix it up…

I DECREE the following rules changes:

All forms of wrestling will now be lumped into a single sport.

At the beginning of a match, competitors will choose randomly from one of five types of wrestling:

1. Traditional Wrestling

2. Arm Wrestling

3. Sumo Wrestling

4. Thumb Wrestling

5. WWE Wrestling

Winner faces The Undertaker in a thumb war.

Give ‘em the bird.

Shotput is weird.

Don’t get me wrong. It’s extremely impressive how far they can throw a ball.

I can’t do that.

The problem is they aren’t throwing the ball at anything…

I DECREE the following rules changes:

From now on, the shotput will be played like Angry Birds.

Each Olympian is allowed to throw three objects of their choosing at a tower of crates, boxes, and explosives.

At least one of their objects must be representative of their culture.

Most boom boom, most medals.

Why didn’t anyone put me in charge of this sooner?

Be nice. Run fast. Don’t die.

Short-distance running is the most basic of sports.

As much as challenging the kid down the block to a foot race is reminiscent of the good old days on the cul de sac, we’ve grown up.

Do you know what we are worried about now? War crimes.

Let’s use the Olympic world stage to incentivize being nice.

I DECREE the following rules changes:

All competing countries will now be ranked during the opening ceremonies.

They will be judged by an unbiased panel on metrics such as carbon footprint, gun violence, questionable military activity, and how yummy their food is.

The results will be revealed during the opening ceremony.

Athletes from low-ranking countries will now be chased by their national animal.

The national animal of Russia is a bear.

бурый медведь может бегать со скоростью до 35 миль в час

There are a lot more sports to fix. Any ideas?

If you reply, I’ll put it in the next email.

be good

z

In case you missed it:

Sorry boomers, we‘re winning. My wife and I started Couple’s Therapy. Why are we all bearcats? Will a Stanley cup keep my birria taco juice hot? Is LinkedIn trying to be the next Wordle? The 8 things I always have on hand.